Unseen Eyes (jawa843) wrote in anxiously_yours,
Unseen Eyes
jawa843
anxiously_yours

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I was 'found out'

I can't say that things went well this weekend.

To give you some background, my fiance and I visited his parents place in Seattle for the day on Sunday to get some pictures taken. I really don't exactly get along with his parents, as they never seem to get me. What makes it worse is his brother also has a fiance and she is over their constantly, so I think they come to see me as being awkward when it IS awkard to be there.

The last thing I wanted was found out: it made me feel like a fraud and a sham, something I never wanted people to see, and I tried to act so perfect so that they wouldn't see, but I guess I can't hide it. It was a day of unfortunate events being the fact that we said we were going to go mall shopping for an hour and we ended up coming back hours later; we live in a small college town, so hey... shopping is good and nice. It was raining horribly though and I didn't bring a jacket. So heavy rain + sweater did not make me very dry. In fact, it made me soaking wet, especially since we had to shift our packages in the car around to fit in my fiance's snow tires. But when we got to the house, it was uneasy and I don't really know how to 'act' when I am there (I blame this on the worry of the nittygritty bits and small pieces of social interaction I feel like I somehow missed out on) so I stood the entire time.

We got home. That night my fiance got an email from his mom, which was really a huge letter talking about how I had offended her by not sitting and not staying, etc etc. She has a deep feeling about this due to the fact my fiance's father doesn't get along with her family so she is sad to see 'us' being 'like that'. This had no truth at all! I want to know them, I do! I was soaking wet and didn't want to ruin their furniture, so I tried to stay out of the way...Mind you, I had a killer midterm on monday and spent the entire weekend cramming for it.

I feel so unhuman its crazy, I really wish I was a cat or something. I spent the last night crying, because it was like getting caught in elementary school and feelin like the world is going to end -- I've known all along that someday my 'attempt' to fit in socially would backfire, no matter how hard I self scrutinized and it fell down in that one moment when all I wanted was to go home, curl up, and sleep. I just.. don't know what to do. My mother suggested I talk to his mom about it, yeah... right. I can't hardly even stand sometimes to talk with her, but it isn't because I don't like her, I just don't understand what to do. It feels like we are playing this game and that this game called social interaction was one I never got the rules for or I was never taught to play, so I feel such a fraud. And that paranoia I had built up for so long is screaming at me 'I told you so! I told you to be wary! See what happens when they find out!'

x-posted
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