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Monday, April 28th, 2008
7:07 pm - Research survey
irishbratman  I am a graduate student studying the effects of benzodiazepine drugs.  Benzodiazepines are also known as the minor tranquilizers.  Valium, Clonapin, Ativan, Xanax etc. are some of the most common.  If you, or someone you know well, have used, or are using these drugs, please fill out the survey that applies.  If you know anyone in either of these categories (user, or know someone who is a user) please encourage them to take the survey as well.  Your participation is voluntary, fully confidential, and greatly appreciated.

For those who are using or have used benzodiazepines, please complete this survey:



For those who know someone who has used or is currently using benzodiazapines, please complete this survey:



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Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
4:44 pm


Anxiety has been a problem for me for a long time. I was always the nervous kid in elementary school, and it seems like once my brain exhausts one neurosis it adopts a new one. Then I fixate on that for a while and stew in my own insecurities. I wish I could find a way to overcome this because I know that I'm not a bad person. Anyone successful in bringing down their anxiety to a more manageable level?

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Friday, August 3rd, 2007
10:11 am

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Mods: Please remove if this is not allowed.

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Sunday, May 20th, 2007
8:53 pm - fear of something good happening... for a change?


everytime i see my boyfriend, i fall harder & harder for him...
i've been with him for a year now and he has been nothing but amazing...
as much as i enjoy his company, i am finding myself facing insecurity.

it isn't caused by him,i know... it's something inside of me.
 why am i so insecure?
am i scared of falling in love with him?
am i scared of being hurt,  rejected, or seen as weak? ...

i know this is something i should share with him, but i can't...
not right now... i feel like i'm too much of a burden for him.

i don't know how he deals with me... i don't know how to
deal with myself and my
constancy struggle of myself and life.

maybe i'm scared of something good happening to me for a change...

i've been in love before...it was my best friend for five years and
he didn't feel the same for me... we stopped being friends after a big fight...
maybe that has something to deal with it. 

i live with an abusive mother, too... she's very needy and clingy...
perhaps, that is it too... i honestly don't know.

 i just want this insecure feeling to STOP.

current mood: insecure

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Monday, January 1st, 2007
10:03 am

Hey everyone, my name is Erin and I just joined. I'm 18 and a freshman in university.

I've always had anxiety problems, for as long as I can remember practically. But recently things have been happening that are making it worse.

During my first term of my first year at university, I was alright for the most part. I thought it would be horrible, but I actually kind of liked living away from home. But it seems like that's all changing now. About 3-4 weeks ago, I caught the flu right before exams. It was really really bad. I spent days in health services at the university. I just felt sick all the time, and I lost a lot of weight because the thought of food disgusted me. Once I came back home for the Christmas break, things got better and I began eating more. I was a lot more relaxed at home. But now, I'm going back to university in a matter of days and it's really starting to worry me and make me anxious again. Even though I'm not physically ill anymore, my anxiety is making me feel like I am. I just feel nauseous for no apparent reason all the time, and it's making it difficult for me to eat. I'm really really scared that I'm going to starve once I go back to university, because the food there is disgusting and I had a lot of trouble eating before the Christmas break.

My Mom is making me paranoid. She is really worried that I have an eating disorder or something. But I know I don't have that, because I don't want to lose weight and I'm really scared of getting too skinny (I've been underweight my entire life and hated it).

The main problem is that I need to eat once I get back, and I'm really worried that I wont be able to. I'm worried that I might become really really really unhealthy because of it. It just doesn't seem to be going away. Everytime I feel like it's getting better, it comes back and I feel sick again. I know it's all in my head, but I can't help it.

Anyone else had any dietary problems due to anxiety?

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Sunday, December 24th, 2006
3:49 pm - New to the community

Hey guys,
My name is Anna, I am a 19 year old Sophomore at University of the Arts studying graphic design and advertising.
I have a few questions pertaining to anxiety disorder and getting diagnosed and getting on with life...
(my story)
I've had what my doctor would assume was anxiety (as opposed to physical medical condition) and said that it is probably triggered by stress from school or work. And when I first had my first couple of anxiety attacks that was proven to be true, I was a freshman, it was the end of the first semester during finals and I was freaking out due to stress. As of recent though, I've been getting them out of nowhere, for instance, I was just out eating at Cosi with my friend and we were talking about her photography (not even anything pertaining to myself) and out of nowhere my whole body felt stiff and tense and I got lock jaw and had a hard time chewing, my mind was in a million places and I felt cold and alone. Now, I get "attacks" like that about once a month. I try to go outside for a walk (because lying down alone causes more things to flow through my mind and makes it worse). I've actually been checked into the hospital because of what I would assume was an anxiety attack that caused migranes and uncontrollable vomiting (and the hospital found no physical causes for the condition, except that my mind was causing this).
My question is,
if you are diagnosed and medicated, how did you go about doing it, did you go to your general physician and address your symptoms?
if you did visit your general physician, does he write out the script for medication (if necessary) or does he send you to a psychiatrist for further counseling?

I am just wondering, because I really can't live like this, I've had to leave class, miss work, and end social interaction due to these attacks, and it really hurts me physically and emotionally.

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, December 17th, 2006
8:19 pm - anxiety :'(

hello everyone...just joined this community cos i could well do with some help/input, as my anxiety has come bak to haunt me the last few weeks and its really getting to me..
about a month ago something was really bothering me, and i didnt eat much for about 3 weeks cos i just felt so sick, the doc gave me some anti nausea tablets and i took some but i think it just wore off itself anyway.
but the week just gone, i kept waking up, feeling fine for about a minute, then my head goes all hot and tight and my muscles go stiff and id say i just have a total headfuck/brainfreeze and i feel unable to do anything. i didnt go to work this week, i just couldnt face it, even though i usually enjoy my job loads and its not too hard or anything..i just felt physically unable to do anything. i get tearful and restless and i hate when i get these little episodes. my head just goes funny and i get this weird rush through my body of complete anxiety and dont know what to do with myself.
im now taking amitriptyline but only 10mg a night which i know is very low, ive taken it before, and i think before it lifted me a bit so i hope it will again.
i've also had two PEP (personal effectiveness something) / CBT sessions and i have some literature to read through about it, i just need to train my mind to go into a new mindset, the sessions were really helpful.
and i know what is wrong with my thinking, i'm just always worrying about tomorrow and in 3 days time and next week, i barely focus on the here and now, my brains always off wandering into the future and it makes me sooo anxious.
i hate feeling anxious and that i want to cry :'(
and i must go to work this week, i dont want to wake up and have one of my headfuck horrible attack things, its horrible.
if anyone can help i would be so thankful...and i guess it just feels better writing it out, too.
and another thing, i think i worry about getting the 'attacks' or whatever they are, i worry about it happening and then it does happen, if that makes sense. i worry about where or when its going to happen, but nothing helps, laying in bed doesn't even make me feel better, doing something is better than doing nothing cos it takes my mind off it but its making myself do it. i need to stop thinking about it / over thinking in general....
that's all i can think of. if anyone's had the time to read this (thank you) and can give any advice i would be most grateful xxx peace

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
3:00 pm

I am a 19 year old girl who just started college the fall semester,
and I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder about 2 years ago
during this semester I noticed that my anxiety problems are only a part of social interaction.
I seem to have a complete lack of anxiety when it comes to my class work.
this would be good except that I no longer seem to have even the normal ammount of anxiety that helps people get work done,
as it is, I can't get anything done, without the stress anxiety causes I have absolutely no motivation.
I am stagnating.
is there such a thing as a reversed anxiety disorder?
is this normal with GAD?
what can I do about it?

if this continues I'm not going to be able to graduate in a few years.
can someone please help me?
thank you very much

current mood: discontent

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Friday, November 10th, 2006
4:22 pm - anxiety quotes

found these today...thought you guys might enjoy them :)

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. Anais Nin

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength. Charles H Spurgeon

Love looks forward, hate looks back, anxiety has eyes all over its head. Mignon McLaughlin

Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety. Plato

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. Soren Kierkegaard

Anxiety is fear of one's self. Wilhelm Stekel

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. Arthur Somers Roche

Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity. Chuck Jones

Anxiety is the rust of life, destroying its brightness and weakening its power. A childlike and abiding trust in Providence is its best preventive and remedy. Tryon Edwards

The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety. George E Mueller

The components of anxiety, stress, fear, and anger do not exist independently of you in the world. They simply do not exist in the physical world, even though we talk about them as if they do. Wayne Dyer

Anxiety about the future never profits; we feel no evil until it comes, and when we feel it, no counsel helps; wisdom is either too early or too late. Arthur Somers Roche

Among those evils which befall us, there are many which have been more painful to us in the prospect than by their actual pressure.
- Joseph Addison

Anxiety has no place in the life of one of God's children. Christ's serenity was one of the most unmistakable signs of His filial trust. He was tired and hungry and thirsty and in pain; but we cannot imagine Him anxious or fretful. His mind was kept in perfect peace because it was stayed on God. The life lived by the faith of the Son of God will find His word kept: "My peace give I unto you."
- Maltbie Davenport Babcock

We walk in circles, so limited by our own anxieties that we can no longer distinguish between true and false, between the gangster's whim and the purest ideal.
- Ingmar Bergman

Anxiety is the poison of humans life. It is the parent of many sins, and of more miseries. In a world where everything is doubtful, where you may be disappointed, and be blessed in dis-appointment, what means this restless stir and commotion of mind? Can your solicitude alter the cause or unravel the intricacy of human events?
- Hugh Blair

Can your solicitude alter the cause or unravel the intricacy of human events?
- Hugh Blair

O foolish anxiety of wretched man, how inconclusive are the arguments which make thee beat thy wings below!
- Dante ("Dante Alighieri")

Nobody should ever look anxious except those who have no anxiety.
- Benjamin Disraeli, 1st Earl of Beaconsfield

Nothing in life is more remarkable than the unnecessary anxiety which we endure and generally occasion ourselves.
- Benjamin Disraeli, 1st Earl of Beaconsfield

Anxiety in children is originally nothing other than an expression of the fact they are feeling the loss of the person they love.
- Sigmund Freud

Over-confidence is as evil as undue anxiety.
- Thomas Chandler Haliburton (used pseudonym Sam Slick)

The natural role of twentieth-century man is anxiety.
- Norman Mailer

Almost all men are over-anxious. No sooner do they enter the world than they lose that taste for natural and simple pleasures so remarkable in early life. Every hour do they ask themselves what progress they have made in the pursuit of wealth or honor; and on they go as their fathers went before them, till, weary and sick at heart, they look back with a sigh of regret to the golden time of their childhood.
- Samuel Rogers

Generally we obtain very surely and very speedily what we are not too anxious to obtain.
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Anxiety never yet successfully bridged over any chasm.
- Giovanni Ruffini

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength.
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

current mood: contemplative

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4:00 am - first steps

well today i had my first therapy session. i have to admit, it wasn't as bad as i thought it was gonna be. before the session, i thought it was gonna be like in the movies where you lie down on a couch and they bombard you with questions about your childhood and your mother :) but nope. it was basically an intro or preview of what's to come. my therapist was great - really nice lady with a soothing voice. she made me feel really comfortable. she gave me some paperwork to fill out with questions regarding my present and my past. some of it was kinda personal but i figured if i don't open up to her then how can she help me? i went in with a completely open mind. she went through each question and my answer one by one i guess to get a feel of what we were getting into to. i didn't have to lay all my cards on the table today which was good cause i didn't know if was ready to spill my life story just yet. i just gave her a quick insight about my answers and she would say "don't worry dear, we'll work through that." she explained how the process works and what treatments (no medicine) would work. we're gonna do cbt and i'm really looking forward to it cause lord knows at this point i'll try anything :) to give you a little background i had my first anxiety attack this past august. never felt anything so horrible in my life. it was weird to me that i had one cause during that time i really had no worries and no stress. i had just paid my taxes off a month before and that was a worry i had through the first half of the year. i was at work playing solitaire on my computer and my fingertips felt tingly. nothing major - wasn't worried. i just figured i was sitting uncomfortably or something. i repositioned myself in my chair and went on with the game. then the tingling started getting stronger, this time it was my whole hand - both of them. i tried to "shake it off" but to no avail. it kept getting stronger. so i got up and walked around my office trying to shake it off but it was getting stronger - pins and needles over and over. all of a sudden i felt scared. i was starting to worry about the tingling but it was like a blanket of fear was thrown over me and i couldn't stop it. i tried to calm down but then i could feel that my heart was racing. i put my hand over my heart to see if it was and sure enough it felt like i had just finished running. i kept shaking my hands and i could feel and hear my heart pounding without having to touch it. scary!! i thought i was having a heart attack. had no clue what the hell was going on. the symptoms kept getting worse and i started to feel sick and dizzy. i felt like i was in a dream. i got to my phone to call someone in the building to help me (i work with nurses) cause i thought i was dying. when i got to the phone my mind went blank and i had no clue what i was doing. i just remember staring at it for what seemed like forever. then i fell into my chair and i remember thinking "is this it? is this killing me?" looking back i think "drama queen" :) i started looking at the pics on my desk to take my mind off of whatever was going and taking deep slow breaths. it worked but came back a few minutes later. redid the breathing thing again and it went away. i really thought i was going crazy. when i read that the feeling of going crazy was a symptom they hit the nail on the head! that was the only major attack i had but since then its been a constant fear of another anxiety attack. not all days though. i tell you, the days i do have the fear can really bring you down. i take clonazepam for those days .5 mg. i only take them when i need it, not everyday. they help but i'd rather feel normal than crazy :) i thought i'd keep a blog the days of my sessions so i can see the progress i'm making and also for those who are considering therapy. it was tough taking that first step cause i felt embarassed. i would've never thought that i would have a mental disorder but it happened and now i'm trying to get rid of it. i figure, if this is what i need to do to get my life back then it's a small price to pay.

i'll keep this updated on my page. open to new friends experiencing the same thing. wish me luck :)

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
4:36 am - I was 'found out'

I can't say that things went well this weekend.

To give you some background, my fiance and I visited his parents place in Seattle for the day on Sunday to get some pictures taken. I really don't exactly get along with his parents, as they never seem to get me. What makes it worse is his brother also has a fiance and she is over their constantly, so I think they come to see me as being awkward when it IS awkard to be there.

The last thing I wanted was found out: it made me feel like a fraud and a sham, something I never wanted people to see, and I tried to act so perfect so that they wouldn't see, but I guess I can't hide it. It was a day of unfortunate events being the fact that we said we were going to go mall shopping for an hour and we ended up coming back hours later; we live in a small college town, so hey... shopping is good and nice. It was raining horribly though and I didn't bring a jacket. So heavy rain + sweater did not make me very dry. In fact, it made me soaking wet, especially since we had to shift our packages in the car around to fit in my fiance's snow tires. But when we got to the house, it was uneasy and I don't really know how to 'act' when I am there (I blame this on the worry of the nittygritty bits and small pieces of social interaction I feel like I somehow missed out on) so I stood the entire time.

We got home. That night my fiance got an email from his mom, which was really a huge letter talking about how I had offended her by not sitting and not staying, etc etc. She has a deep feeling about this due to the fact my fiance's father doesn't get along with her family so she is sad to see 'us' being 'like that'. This had no truth at all! I want to know them, I do! I was soaking wet and didn't want to ruin their furniture, so I tried to stay out of the way...Mind you, I had a killer midterm on monday and spent the entire weekend cramming for it.

I feel so unhuman its crazy, I really wish I was a cat or something. I spent the last night crying, because it was like getting caught in elementary school and feelin like the world is going to end -- I've known all along that someday my 'attempt' to fit in socially would backfire, no matter how hard I self scrutinized and it fell down in that one moment when all I wanted was to go home, curl up, and sleep. I just.. don't know what to do. My mother suggested I talk to his mom about it, yeah... right. I can't hardly even stand sometimes to talk with her, but it isn't because I don't like her, I just don't understand what to do. It feels like we are playing this game and that this game called social interaction was one I never got the rules for or I was never taught to play, so I feel such a fraud. And that paranoia I had built up for so long is screaming at me 'I told you so! I told you to be wary! See what happens when they find out!'


current mood: apathetic

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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
11:57 pm

I'm sure this has happened to all of you or most of you.

But do you ever just talk to a family member,friend or just whoever. And they 'pretend' to care what you say is important or care what you just told them or whatever. And they go faking a personality around you. To make you think they actually give a damn what you say when you speak?

It makes me not want to say anything at all to like anyone. Like if I just didn't say anything it would save these idiots from pretending care what I say.

Like my stepmom,Melanie will say "Okay." & "Uh huh" a lot. And especially it's the way people say it that you know they don't care or maybe I pay attention to much about how people say things.

And than people wonder why you don't talk at all or barely ever talk. Sorry I had this problem w/ my stepmom. She pretends care but she doesn't really care.

x-posted in avoidants

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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
8:33 pm


Finally completed is my zine- "Disorder". It comes in at a giant 80 pages (A5 sized), with a black cover and hand stencilled title. It includes my birth story, "breakdown story" and recovery. When I started this, I just wanted to get all of what I was thinking out my head, then I thought that I should make a zine out of it because I knew that some of my friend's would be interested in reading it. But the one thing that really pulled me through the hard times was knowing that I wasn't alone, that there were other people out there that went through and were going through, exactly what I was feeling.

So I asked around various Livejournal communities for people to answer seven questions about any particular disorders that they suffered from. I was expecting 2 or 3 responses but I got slammed with about 25. Now that it's completed, it's ready for anyone else who'd like a copy. I'm charging as cheap as I possibly can for it, basically just to cover postage costs. I don't want to make a profit and am in fact, out of pocket with this endeavour. But if it helps someone, anyone out there - then it's worth it.

To anyone that contributed that is awaiting their copy, please be patient! I've mailed out two copies to the two people that paid postage. As I'm paying for postage for the rest, I can only mail them out when I get the chance financially.

I'm happy to answer any questions. Paypal links are behind the cut, if you really want a copy and don't have paypal, I'm sure we can arrange something. Use xe.com if you're unsure of current exchange rates.


Thanks guys!

paypal buttonsCollapse )

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Saturday, August 19th, 2006
11:25 am - ....they would make the world a better place

I found these informative quotes about Avoidant Personality Disorder from a great site, and wanted to share it with you all.

"The APD has the real self in hiding - hiding from an original
environment or internal objects that were traumatic, rejecting and
abusive. Due to early original pain, the adult APD cannot separate the
present from the past, so everyone and everything becomes potentially dangerous and filled with anxiety and fear. As such, the deep core self, reality and everything that can trigger early pain is avoided."

"....many therapists say that if the socially phobic could rein in
their anxiety enough to function, they would help make the world a better place."

---from the comprehensive AvPD site http://www.tljones.co.uk/apd/apd.htm

x-posted to avoidants

current mood: impressed

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Thursday, May 25th, 2006
1:15 pm - alone in space and time?

I have been neurotic for as long as I can remember. Recently, it has taken a turn for worse.

I hate going out into public. I've recently begun to wear very dark sunglasses to school and everwhere else...in fact I'm wearing them right now. I just don't want to be seen.

I no longer can sleep in my own room because there are so many thoughts trapped in there. I don't really sleep. My nights are continuations of my paranoid, empty and hurt-filled days. Last night, I couldnt sleep yet again as I was convinced someone was tapping on my window and ran and hid when I looked out. My mind is going to even stranger places. I think there is something seriously wrong with me.

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Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
7:59 pm

At this point, I'm just unreasonably angry at everyone around me. Everyone is judging me and everyone finds me overbearing and agressive. Even people at home don't want to deal with me. Hell, that's they never call, email, or purport to care.

I'm just sick of feeling like everyone hates me. I'm sick of feeling tired and achy because I lie in bed for hours, wishing I could sleep but having my mind race at a thousand miles a minute. I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't control my crazy emotional reactions--I cry at Law & Order episodes and have fits of anger about plastic grocery bags, for God's sake. Every day my body huts and my muscles ache, like I spend most of my life curled up tightly in a ball of hatred and fear. Like I spend so much time pretending not to be damaged and vulnerable that I'm pushing myself to the brink of collapse.

I had a panic attack. Today. It made me feel like dying, like my hands were going to fall off and like my face was somewhere far away and like someone was balancing a barbell on my chest. Why, you ask? Because two of my friends were having some stupid conversation about how much they love hanging out with one another, and no one ever has those conversations with me.

I've been trying to figure out what the fuck my problem is all afternoon. Because my therapist tells me that I have some fantastic combination of depression and social anxiety, which may well be true. But it's not because I fear that I'm inadequate. I think I'm pretty great--but I feel like people are intimidated by me, that they hate me and think that I'm some know-it-all bitch whose only goal in life is to piss them off. No one admires me or loves me or cares about me, I'm just a nuisance. An under-valued and ridiculed obstacle to other peoples' happiness.

And it isn't my fault that other people hate me. Because they do. I'm completely convinced that they do, but I also know it isn't my fault. At the same time, I fixate on it. I look at the way people look at me (or don't look at me), I analyze every dismissive comment, every facial expression. I try my darnedest to avoid other people, just so I can avoid that feeling of impending judgment or targeted dislike. I haven't been in a real social setting outside of dinner with my roommate in nearly six weeks.

I wish I never had to see anyone. I wish I could be alone all the time and that I was the only person on the planet. That the only other people who existed were mindless devotees who loved me and didn't question me and admired my brilliance, who would give me hugs and laugh with me about stupid things and help me embrace who I am.

I'm BEING myself, dammit. The problem is that people don't LIKE IT. People don't like me. And I don't like them. I wish it was different, but that's how it is and I feel completely helpless.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I hope to God he gives me drugs. Xanax, Effexor, whatever. I just need something to change.

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Saturday, April 29th, 2006
10:12 am

Hi guys!

I was in the process of scribbling out my outline for a anxiety/ panic disorder zine that I am doing when I realised that the reason I am doing this is because I find that reading other people's experiences with anxiety, their symptoms, their coping mechanisms, what meds they take etc etc - is a really really big help to me. Often just knowing that someone feels the same way as you do is a big enough help in itself. And I would absolutely love to have people's input on this. So, behind the cut is a list of questions and if you want to participate - email the answers to disorderzine@hotmail.com.

Everyone who contributes will get a free copy, postage paid on my behalf (I'm in Australia, so postage can be a bitch - if this doesn't prove to you how keen I am to do this, I don't know what will!) And if you don't want to contribute but want a copy - let me know so I have an idea of how many to organise. If not a great deal of people are interested - the zine will be free to everyone who wants one. If it's more popular than I expect - I'll charge a small fee payable via paypal, bank deposit (australia), money order etc. But really, I'm going to try and distribute as many copies as I can free of charge.

finally, should i make updates about this project via this community, or would you guys prefer to join a seperate one to keep track of progress? or should i contact the people interested via email? let me know your thoughts.

you can answer whichever questions you like, but i'd prefer if you could answer them all. in brackets are prompts to help you answer, just to let you know what i am kind of looking for. also, if you have suggestions for any other questions that you'd like to see answered - let me know. and if you know of any other communities, or people (whether it be livejournal or elsewhere) that may be interested in this project - please let me know! or at least get this info out there so that i can get as many experiences together as i possibly can. whereas i am primarily dealing with panic and anxiety - i am happy to have anything on any other disorders as well (bipolar, depression, etc etc etc). i'm about to investigate myspace and see whether there's any groups on there that would be interested in participating. i want this to be huge!

questionaireCollapse )

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Monday, April 24th, 2006
12:57 pm - Something You Might Like


I made an LJ community as a result of my bouts of insomnia/sleeplessness.

It's for those of you who are quite active during the night, whether the reasons range from skeletons in the closet, to defying natural bodily functions for the hell of it, and want to express some thought/impression/emotion/revelation/artwork/humor/irony/etc. during that darkened time of conception.

Please join if that describes you in any way.


Spread the word to your friends if it tickles your fancy.

Merci beaucoup.

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Sunday, April 16th, 2006
5:35 pm

I wanted to see if anyone could possibly relate to the lack of assertiveness.

I wanted to take a shower and I didn't realize dad would be workin' on their tub I thought he was talking about the other tub.So I was on stairs and so was Melanie and all I said was "Oh great guess i'm not taking a shower." I know I ain't goin' nowhere but I just wanted to take a shower. So Melanie goes "Can't you wait until tonight? It's not like your going anywhere tonight?" So without saying a damn word really I just went back downstairs to my room. Yeah...Way go MEL! Just keep making me be more SHY and Anti-social,avoidant. Doesn't really fuckin' help when she talks way she does to me.Obviously I'm experiencing this doormat syndrome.Because I lack in assertiveness.And I wouldn't know what they'd say back if I said anything and it all even my mom knows that I let Lindsay(16 year old sister) walk all over me and shit and I don't fight/argue anymore. Because before Lindsay took me home we were outside and my mom was outside. We were talkin' and mom goes "Don't let her take everything and do everything." Because we sort of got on topic of if mom died. God Forbid. And not like she is ill or anything. Even mom said I don't argue/fight anymore I just let Lindsay talk to me that way.

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Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
4:43 pm

Hi everyone! I'm new to this community. My name is Erin and I'm 17 years old. I'm a senior in high school.

Next fall I'll be going to university. I'm not sure whether that's going to help or hurt my anxiety-but probably hurt I'd think.

Anyway this summer I'm going to have to get a summer job. I have no choice. But the thought of this terrifies me.

I've only had one job my whole life - it was last fall and I worked there for about 2 months. It was at a dollar store, and I swear those were the worst two months of my life. I would come home crying almost every night. My boss terrified me. While I was working all I wanted to do was call my Mom and ask her to pick me up. On my last day of work I had a panic attack and my Mom had to call them and quit for me. I felt so awful.

Now I have to do this all over again in a few months. I'm so scared. I have no idea how I'll manage. I'm trying to figure out a place where I can work without having to deal with people as much. Does anybody have any advice?

current mood: complacent

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