happybutanxious (happybutanxious) wrote in anxiously_yours,

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first steps

well today i had my first therapy session. i have to admit, it wasn't as bad as i thought it was gonna be. before the session, i thought it was gonna be like in the movies where you lie down on a couch and they bombard you with questions about your childhood and your mother :) but nope. it was basically an intro or preview of what's to come. my therapist was great - really nice lady with a soothing voice. she made me feel really comfortable. she gave me some paperwork to fill out with questions regarding my present and my past. some of it was kinda personal but i figured if i don't open up to her then how can she help me? i went in with a completely open mind. she went through each question and my answer one by one i guess to get a feel of what we were getting into to. i didn't have to lay all my cards on the table today which was good cause i didn't know if was ready to spill my life story just yet. i just gave her a quick insight about my answers and she would say "don't worry dear, we'll work through that." she explained how the process works and what treatments (no medicine) would work. we're gonna do cbt and i'm really looking forward to it cause lord knows at this point i'll try anything :) to give you a little background i had my first anxiety attack this past august. never felt anything so horrible in my life. it was weird to me that i had one cause during that time i really had no worries and no stress. i had just paid my taxes off a month before and that was a worry i had through the first half of the year. i was at work playing solitaire on my computer and my fingertips felt tingly. nothing major - wasn't worried. i just figured i was sitting uncomfortably or something. i repositioned myself in my chair and went on with the game. then the tingling started getting stronger, this time it was my whole hand - both of them. i tried to "shake it off" but to no avail. it kept getting stronger. so i got up and walked around my office trying to shake it off but it was getting stronger - pins and needles over and over. all of a sudden i felt scared. i was starting to worry about the tingling but it was like a blanket of fear was thrown over me and i couldn't stop it. i tried to calm down but then i could feel that my heart was racing. i put my hand over my heart to see if it was and sure enough it felt like i had just finished running. i kept shaking my hands and i could feel and hear my heart pounding without having to touch it. scary!! i thought i was having a heart attack. had no clue what the hell was going on. the symptoms kept getting worse and i started to feel sick and dizzy. i felt like i was in a dream. i got to my phone to call someone in the building to help me (i work with nurses) cause i thought i was dying. when i got to the phone my mind went blank and i had no clue what i was doing. i just remember staring at it for what seemed like forever. then i fell into my chair and i remember thinking "is this it? is this killing me?" looking back i think "drama queen" :) i started looking at the pics on my desk to take my mind off of whatever was going and taking deep slow breaths. it worked but came back a few minutes later. redid the breathing thing again and it went away. i really thought i was going crazy. when i read that the feeling of going crazy was a symptom they hit the nail on the head! that was the only major attack i had but since then its been a constant fear of another anxiety attack. not all days though. i tell you, the days i do have the fear can really bring you down. i take clonazepam for those days .5 mg. i only take them when i need it, not everyday. they help but i'd rather feel normal than crazy :) i thought i'd keep a blog the days of my sessions so i can see the progress i'm making and also for those who are considering therapy. it was tough taking that first step cause i felt embarassed. i would've never thought that i would have a mental disorder but it happened and now i'm trying to get rid of it. i figure, if this is what i need to do to get my life back then it's a small price to pay.

i'll keep this updated on my page. open to new friends experiencing the same thing. wish me luck :)
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